August 28, 2005

Simpsons

Just a few:

  • Homer: Not a bear in sight. The “Bear Patrol” must be working like a charm!
    Lisa: That’s specious reasoning, Dad.
    Homer: Thank you, dear.
    Lisa: By your logic I could claim that this rock keeps tigers away.
    Homer: Oh, how does it work?
    Lisa: It doesn’t work.
    Homer: Uh-huh.
    Lisa: It’s just a stupid rock. But I don’t see any tigers around, do you?
    Homer: [pause] Lisa, I want to buy your rock.

  • Homer: So, I realized that being with my family is more important than being cool.
    Bart: Dad, what you just said was powerfully uncool.
    Homer: You know what the song says: “It’s hip to be square”.
    Lisa: That song is so lame.
    Homer: So lame that it’s… cool?
    Bart+Lisa: No.
    Marge: Am I cool, kids?
    Bart+Lisa: No.
    Marge: Good. I’m glad. And that’s what makes me cool, not caring, right?
    Bart+Lisa: No.
    Marge: Well, how the hell do you be cool? I feel like we’ve tried everything here.
    Homer: Wait, Marge. Maybe if you’re truly cool, you don’t need to be told you’re cool.
    Bart: Well, sure you do.
    Lisa: How else would you know?

  • [the plant’s been bought by Germans; Homer’s afraid of getting fired]
    Horst: Homer, could we have a word with you?
    Homer: [Nervous] No.
    Horst: I must have phrased that bad. My English is, how you say, inelegant. I meant to say, may we have a brief, friendly chat?
    Homer: Noooo!
    Horst: Once again I have failed.
    Horst: [Opens “German to English” dictionary]
    Horst: We request the pleasure of your company for a free exchange of ideas.
    Homer: NOOOOO!
    [Runs away screaming]

  • Kent Brockman: Hordes of panicky people seem to be evacuating the town for some unknown reason. Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it’s time for our viewers to crack each other’s heads open and feast on the goo inside?
    Professor: Mmm, yes I would, Kent.

  • [Superintendent Chalmers sees Principal Skinner’s kitchen on fire]
    Superintendent Chalmers: Good Lord, what is happening in there?
    Principal Skinner: The Aurora Borealis?
    Superintendent Chalmers: The Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?
    Principal Skinner: Yes.
    Superintendent Chalmers: May I see it?
    Principal Skinner: No.

  • Kent Brockman: We’re just about to get our first pictures from inside the spacecraft with “average-naut” Homer Simpson, and we’d like to — aah!
    [Camera shows a close-up of an ant floating in front of the three astronauts]
    Everyone: Aah!
    Kent Brockman: Ladies and gentlemen, er, we’ve just lost the picture, but, uh, what we’ve seen speaks for itself. The Corvair spacecraft has been taken over — “conquered”, if you will — by a master race of giant space ants. It’s difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive earth men or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain, there is no stopping them; the ants will soon be here.
    And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords. I’d like to remind them that as a trusted TV personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.
    Marge: Mmm, don’t worry, kids. I’m sure your father’s all right.

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